I felt like writing these words since we don’t seem to be able to communicate anymore. I know you have your own outlook on everything but please, let me show you mine:

I know you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust myself either in some ways. I know I made a lot of mistakes. I really truly was afraid. I was afraid that one day we wouldn’t be US anymore, that I would wake up and just be ME again.

 

I felt so amazingly alive with you like I never did before. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy, to share our different life passions, to understand each other’s needs and to remain truly connected. I guess it finally happened. Turns out, I wasn’t the woman you expected me to be. We couldn’t communicate the way you wanted to. You got frustrated and I got hurt. What we had disappeared slowly and slowly. I got hurt again, I tried to protect myself and at the same time tried to fix things. It could no longer work since I wasn’t 100% myself anymore.

 

You started pushing back, being distant, cold, hurtful sometimes. This was your way of protecting yourself. You started wanting more space, more privacy to lessen the pressure. The pressure of an US that was fading … I kept on trying and telling you how I felt about us. In vain since you were already far gone.

 

I just want you to know, I still feel the same. I deeply love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. You’re an amazing person and I love listening to you, I love touching you, laughing with you, being goofy, acting like a baby sometimes so you can take care of me, listening to you play music, the way you get excited about small things in life, the way you see things, I get who you are even if you don’t see that. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I did it to protect myself which led to this.

 

The cuter I was the more you pushed me away. You say you were suffocating, trapped, confused, doubting. My heart got affected. Affected with everything you ever said because I believe in WORDS. You said you preferred to be alone, that you felt we were friends instead of lovers, you needed your privacy …I protected myself after listening to all this nonsense. I tried reaching back to you, getting closer again, feeling a slight connection… So I chose a physical way.  I strongly needed it like never before to feel we were still US, that you still felt the same way. You pushed me back again …

 

We’ve been doing this for a while now. I just feel we did it all wrong.

 

Instead of surrounding us with bad vibes, saying we are not going to help each others’ lives, feeling all this is a huge burden, that we have no chemistry, that we ruined each others lives …  we should try to understand what the other one needs, how he feels and focus on what makes each other smile, laugh & happy!

 

We’ve been too arrogant and stubborn that we started pointing out every little things we did for each other, when they should be automatic, with no efforts. These little things we do for each other should bring us peace, we shouldn’t even be thinking about them or count them. We should just act in a way that we know is right. Right because true. Right because loving. Right because that’s the way we would want to be treated and be loved.

 

We both went over board in words and actions. You said you didn’t felt the connection anymore, so we were growing apart physically already and then … even mentally. I was more afraid than ever. We became enemies. You hid things, started to live alone although we lived under the same roof, hurting me in secret in a way. I understood that it was a way to protect yourself as I had the same defense mechanism.

 

Hatred started to grow. I would hate the way you wouldn’t look at me, the way you wouldn’t touch me. I would become someone else, instead of a loving little cute woman I became a complaining-love-lacking one. I still hang on and tried, tried when I knew it was almost gone. I left you alone many evenings so you could miss me,  thinking the flame would burn again, maybe? No, the opposite happened. I felt so unloved, uncared for, just like an idiot living with someone who doesn’t even appreciate her. You kept on doing your own things, saying what you thought was right for you. I decided to fight, I didn’t want to let go otherwise I could have had regrets. I kept on living this way, destroying my true caring-lovely-self.

 

So you are right when you say we can’t live like this.

 

This, meaning now, this second, these past weeks. I would love to be at your side at dinner tonight, I just cannot fake it anymore. If you ever want to have what we had, to be the true US, no lies, no bullshit, no miscommunication, no pushing away, no hurting. If you finally understand how I feel deep down, recognizing everything you did, the same way I’m aware of my mistakes. If you still want to live this amazing adventure called love.

 

I need you to believe, to be you again, to show me everything, to be true. To have no problem being goofy and cute, to have no problems telling the world how you feel, and especially to ME. To open up and to stop being afraid and having doubts. These are the only things that can set us apart.

 

I love you from all my heart ..